neither full nor empty .

.. and after all, basically life is just like filling up your fuel tank .
at times you can full your tank , but at times you can only afford a bit upper from the empty indication . and that's the f-ing reality , so .. get real .

i insist my self to get real .
i have to know that sometimes the can't-afford-it-thingy may happen to anyone , including me and my surroundings . because things happen unconditionally , things happen unpredictably , things happen as they like , but one good thing is : things always come up with a good reasoning within .
and i keep insisting my self to believe that it is , though honestly it's hardly to believe that it is .
but being wise at times like this is a must , it's a secret-strength , i don't care if it nearly looked alike a fake-thingy, i just need to stand still , this strong , this pretty strong .

getting real on this can't-afford-it-thingy doesn't have to be something like money-talks, it can be something like how strong your heart can afford a heartache , how clever your brain can manage insisting-hard-options , how wise your feeling can accept any faith including the those unfortunate ones . those things absolutely some kind of the affordability-thingy that may come up . i wonder how strong people with strong feelings can ignore the ache of things they feel by just curl they body tight and pretend to sleep, because folks , i can't ever do that , it's hurt to know that i have to lie to my self , keep telling that things are right but actually they're not . the only fake thing i can keep telling my self is what i mentioned before : things always come up with a good reasoning within.

and by keep repeating the words , i suddenly realize that there's one good man keep encouraging me to think that way , and perfectly insist me to believe in what it is . he wants to keep me here , stand still with him , now and then , by stepping forward , further and further . i can't stop thanking you for coming up this far , for me . i love you .

♥, cynthia